Brought to You by the backwoods boyz...
Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
You might be a redneck if...
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
You might be a redneck if...
- More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
- You think the stock market has a fence around it.
- You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
- You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
- Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
- Your home has more miles on it than your car.
- Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
- You've ever been arrested for loitering.
- You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors de'ouvre.
- There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
- You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
- You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
- You own a homemade fur coat.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
- You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
- There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
- Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
- There is a wasp nest in your living room.
- The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
- You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
- You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
- You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
- Fewer than half of your cars run.
- You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
- The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
- Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
- Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
- Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
- Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
- Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
- You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
- Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
- You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
- You're an expert on worm beds.
- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
- Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
- Your family tree does not fork.
- The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
- You haul more than U-Haul.
- Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
- There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
- Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
- Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
- Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
- Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
- The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
- Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
- You pick your teeth from a catalog.
- You've ever financed a tattoo.
- You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
- Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
- Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
- You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
- You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
- The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
- You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
- The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
- Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
- You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
- You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
- Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
- You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
- None of your shirts cover your stomach.
- Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
- The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
- You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
- You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
- You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
- Birds are attracted to your beard.
- The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
- You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
- Bikers back down from your momma.
- You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
- Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
- You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
- Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
- You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
- You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
- You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
- The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
- You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
- You clean your nails with a stick
- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
- Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
- People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
- Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
- You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
- You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
- You've ever been too drunk to fish.
- You've ever bought a used cap.
- You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
- You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
- Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
- You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
- You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
- Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
- In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
- Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
- You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
- You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
- The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
- Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
- Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
- Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
- You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
- You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
- You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
- You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
- Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
- You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
- You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What
the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
I'm not an Alcoholic...
I'm a Drunk.
Alcoholics go to Meetings
Jesus is coming!
Look Busy
Driver carries no cash...
He's married
Take ur ex out tonite
One bullet outta' do it!
Wife and dog missing
Reward for dog
I'm, busy. Ur Ugly
Have a nice day
Can't Feed 'Em?
Don't breed 'em
4 out of 3 People
Have trouble with Fractions
Drugs lead to nowhere
But it's the Scenic Route
I child-proofed my house...
but they still get in
Hang up and drive!
The shortest sentence is "I am"...
The longest is "I Do"
Where the hell is...
Easy Street?
Keep honking...
I'm reloading!
Guns don't kill people...
Drivers with cell phones do!
!Work Harder!
Millions on welfare depend on you!
Ever stop to think ....
And forget to start again??
AND YOU'RE AN EXTREME REDNECK WHEN ...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same inlaws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What
the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
I'm not an Alcoholic...
I'm a Drunk.
Alcoholics go to Meetings
Jesus is coming!
Look Busy
Driver carries no cash...
He's married
Take ur ex out tonite
One bullet outta' do it!
Wife and dog missing
Reward for dog
I'm, busy. Ur Ugly
Have a nice day
Can't Feed 'Em?
Don't breed 'em
4 out of 3 People
Have trouble with Fractions
Drugs lead to nowhere
But it's the Scenic Route
I child-proofed my house...
but they still get in
Hang up and drive!
The shortest sentence is "I am"...
The longest is "I Do"
Where the hell is...
Easy Street?
Keep honking...
I'm reloading!
Guns don't kill people...
Drivers with cell phones do!
!Work Harder!
Millions on welfare depend on you!
Ever stop to think ....
And forget to start again??
AND YOU'RE AN EXTREME REDNECK WHEN ...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same inlaws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
- “If you’ve ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.”
- “You may be a redneck if . . . your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.”
- “If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.”
- “You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale” sign in the front yard.”
- “You might be a redneck if …the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.”
- “You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.”
- “If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck”
- “If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck”
- “If your wife has ever said ‘Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.’, you might be a redneck”
- “If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck”
- “If you’ve ever financed a tattoo, you might be a redneck”
- “If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck”
- “If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck”
- “If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, you might be a redneck”
- “If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain, you might be a redneck”
- “If you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you’re at work, you might be a redneck”
- “If your dad walks you to school because you’re in the same grade, you might be a redneck”
- “If your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck”
- “If you only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup, you might be a redneck”
- “If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck”
- “If birds are attracted to your beard, you might be a redneck”
- “If you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog, you might be a redneck”
- “If you think the French Riviera is foreign car, you might be a redneck”
- “If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck”
- “If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck”
- “If you ever got too drunk to fish, you might be a redneck”
- “If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck”
- “If you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader, you might be a redneck”
- “If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck”